OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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