Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
