if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
