Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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