my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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