mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
