Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
