speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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