This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
