If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
