i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
did you just send me my own nude
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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