Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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