Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wannas sexs uuuuu
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
