life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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