Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
