I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
