Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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