Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
