We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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