literally had 100 drinks last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize