I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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