Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
