woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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