Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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