In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
