I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize