So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my being single is dangerous.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
