This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
