I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
