theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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