the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
