I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
