Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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