how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
