I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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