I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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