I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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