Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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