Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
