I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize