If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
