thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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