I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
