She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
