i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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