Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You pole danced in your parka.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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