Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
