I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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