I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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