I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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