She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
