My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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