I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
