Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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