The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize