ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize