he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You ruined the universe
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
