flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
