my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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