i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
