i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
