awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Randomize
