We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
