My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
