The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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