i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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