I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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